TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let's have Yet another area where by American Males can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst former negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: give everyone a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he should prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the venture, replied, "You recognize, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Great tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a attribute becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Without end."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where by's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting notice from Intercontinental buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage can even consist of:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to view a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could Trump Tower Damascus spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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